We'll Make a Man out of You
by AzaleaRill
Summary: Professor X sends Logan - Wolverine and Kurt - Nightcrawler into the danger room to learn some teamwork. They end up in the story of Mulan.


**Just an idea that came to me while I was watching Mulan. What if I replace Mushu, Cri-kee, misc other characters with Logan (Wolverine) and Kurt (Nightcrawler) of the X-Men? Let's see what happens...**

* * *

"Ok elf, let's do this an be done," Logan mumbled as he dialed up the program on the keypad outside the Danger Room.

"I am not so much familiar wiz ze east…," Kurt said, his lamp-like eyes dimming with concern.

"Just follow my lead." Logan stepped confidently into the Danger Room. "Can't be to different from Japan, I 'spose."

As the doors slid shut, the two X-Men suddenly found themselves standing at the edge of a sprawling camp in 7th century China. Standing in front of them surveying a diverse group of men was a figure in ill-fitting lamellar armor.

"Ah hell," Logan rasped.

Before Kurt could ask what made the Wolverine curse, they were moving through the camp with their charge. The men surrounding them in and among the tents were a motley crew of farm laborers and inept sons who were the last to be conscripted. One man snoozed indolently in the sun, rousing only long enough to snort and root deeply in his nose, flicking a very juicy booger onto a nearby tent pole before returning to a deep snore.

"This ain't gonna be pretty," Logan muttered to Kurt. He then threw an arm around the person they had been following. "Beautiful, ain't it?"

"They're disgusting!"

Hearing the voice, Kurt's eyes widened and he quickly crossed himself, realizing as Logan had that the person they now found themselves responsible for was the historically notorious Mulan, savior of China during the Hun invasion! Not only that, they'd been dropped right into the part of the story where the young woman was about to infiltrate the army in the guise of a man.

"No, they're men," Logan informed Mulan in response to her last statement. He shoved her between a couple of tents so-as to get a moment to regroup. "You're gonn'a have to act just like 'em, so pay attention!"

At that moment, a recruit who had obviously been drinking too much reeled out of a tent and stumbled into them. Fixing an eye on Mulan, he wagged his eyebrows - seeing straight through her disguise and luckily to drunk to connect the dots. He suddenly ripped open his tunic to bare his chest at her and exclaimed: "Look! This tattoo will protect me from harm!"

Logan didn't even blink, just rammed his fist (sans claws) into the man's solar-plexus. The would-be soldier doubled over and hit the turf, gasping like a fish drowning in the air.

"I hope you can get yur money back," Logan deadpanned as he caught hold of Mulan and dragged her out of sight.

"I don't think I can do this," Mulan said, turning pale and starting to hyperventilate.

" _Sei ruhig mein freund_. Calm," Kurt clasped her shoulders. "Ve are here for you."

A handful of dirt hit her in the face.

"Here to make sure ya don't screw it up!" Logan said, smearing grime into her hair before brushing his hands off. "That'll have to do for now," and with that he shoved her out of the shadows and into the middle of the ranks.

Unfortunately, Logan had been a bit too forceful. Mulan plowed right into a line of men waiting for food, her forward momentum causing the the entire queue to fall like dominos. Everyone, including the cook and his pot of congee ended up on the ground.

Everyone except Mulan.

"Hey guys…" she said awkwardly as they all turned to stare daggers at her.

Just then, before the scraggly crew could pick itself up and start tearing her apart, Logan appeared ang grabbed her by the collar. Hauling her up to look him in the eye, he said (with a wink): "I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy!"

"Wait, wha…" Mulan tried to question, eyes wide with surprise.

"Go with it," Logan mouthed to her before drawing a fist back. She scrunched her eyes shut and waited for the blow.

"Yao," Kurt suddenly admonished as he appeared out of the tent. "Relax and chant with me." The fuzzy elf put a restraining hand around Logan's wrist and started a sing-song nonsense: " _Yaa Uuu Mi Ah Don Doo Dat._ "

Logan growled but started to mimic Kurt and slowly dropped his fist, putting Mulan back on her feet.

"Feel better?" Kurt asked, playing up his role as pacifier.

"Yeah," Logan muttered, thankful Kurt had come up with a Chinese name like _Yao_ out of thin air. "He ain't worth my time, the chicken-boy."

"Hey!" Mulan coaked, suddenly getting to much into the act. "Say that to my face...you...ah...limp noodle!"

"Crap," Logan sighed. "Now I gotta punch somebody."

* * *

 **I might continue this if given the right motivation...**


End file.
